Where are you?
In a non slutty way
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
