my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
