UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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