please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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