You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
