My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
