Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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