I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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