Don't make out with my wife yet
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
