I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
