Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
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Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
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I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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