Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
