So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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