Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
