If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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