mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
