did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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