I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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