Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
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I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
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Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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