I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I am available for nakedness
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
