I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
