She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
