we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My breasts were aching with rage.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
