Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
ttyl tear gas
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
