you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
