he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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