Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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