wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
