Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
