i just sent this text using only my big toe
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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