I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just gargled with NyQuil
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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