I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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