u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
