Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I forget how to act sober
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
