my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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