Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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