I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
