Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
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She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
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I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
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