I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
