My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
