Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
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No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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