found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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