she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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