When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
