we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
