you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
