Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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