ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
