you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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