I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
