Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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