I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize