Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
