Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
