did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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