Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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