This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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