I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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