I'm eating all of the evidence.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
it's not cheating when I paid for it
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
