Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
